May alarm bells ring on the most hypocritical day of your life.

Jasmin Andrade sorts out our conundrums on what everyone's thinking about - that fateful wedding day.

www.sxc.hu

Take a look at yourself. Is this you?

You're shuffling to work. A drone. The same train every day. You're 30, unmarried, unhitched, without a significant other. 10 years time and it'll be the big four zero. It's there. It's in your head. In 10 years time nothing will have changed. Same train. Same quasi-life.

Shit. Friends say you don't have long. Your shelf life's expiring. You're the chilled 'Tesco Finest' meal that no one's going to buy. Later tonight you'll be chucked in a skip.

Friends try to hook you up with 'marriage' material. Your sister's tied the knot. Your biological clock is not only ticking, it's about to detonate. It's a suicide vest. Dad twiddles his thumbs. Will he ever get the chance to walk you, march you damn it, down the aisle?

Come on. Get real.

Marriage, that manufactured fantasy. As kids we're sold this dream. The knight in shining armour. Diamond encrusted horse and carriages. Off into the sunset. 'Happily ever after'. A dream garnished with bollocks. Another conundrum of modern womanhood. Let the truth be told.

Feminist Germaine Greer talks sense. She wrote 'The Female Eunuch' (1993). Wives are an "unpaid employee in her husband's house," she argued. "In return for security, [of which] there is no such thing." What's changed? Men are only getting worse. Statistics show 9% less do housework than a decade ago.

It's the 21st century. Fathers releasing their 'rose-blossom' daughters. Allowing them to 'fly out of the nest'. It's no longer the point. "Marriage was preserved by fear," says journalist Suzanne Moore. Security. Finance. Protection. They were reasons to marry. But they're gone. You should know. Women are independent now. Up until the baby drops out, anyhow. That's when 30% of domestic violence cases begin. You'll become a "manipulable reproductive machine". Feminist Anne Oakley was right. She still is.

Let's be realistic. 54% of divorces are down to unliveable behaviour. Violence and molestation included. So why marry? You can't argue with Government statistics.

Of course. It's all about that one day. The day you walk down that isle. Where you're some pumped-up princess.

www.sxc.hu

Face up. You're not Cinderella. Honestly. Ten grand for a dream of happiness? That's all it is. Will pretending you're God's gift equal eternal bliss? Will your problems evaporate? Will it change your life? Will it be the 'solution to everything'?

The TV programme 'Don't Tell the Bride' blows this scenario wide open.

I'm rejoicing in it. Finally, reality is shown. Haven't seen it? I urge you to. Watch it. Laugh at it. Delight in its revelations. What you hear about weddings is garbage. You might start realising this. Then you'll throw it in the bin like the soiled lace thong it is.

'Don't Tell the Bride' is a fly-on-the-wall documentary. A good one for sure. It up-ends traditional wedding planning. It disproves that weddings equal happy ever after. Couples get three weeks and 12 grand to plan their 'big day'. But there's a catch.

The location. The bride's dress. Every last detail. The groom's decision. The bride's in complete darkness. Absolutely no control over 'the most important day of her life' - or so society says. I, however, beg to differ.

Women plan weddings. Not men. That's the convention in most societies. It's at the core of 'Don't Tell the Bride'. Women rule weddings like Hitler ruled Germany. Men are just sycophants. Doormats. Bootlickers. It's an unfair, one sided and unrealistic affair. It ought to stop.

You think the programme's a crap concept? That it artificially throws it out the window? I put this to you: It's not the case. 'Don't Tell the Bride' must be aired. It's needed. Urgently. It proves weddings are grossly artificial occasions.  Women everywhere ought to see reality. To see weddings for what they really are. That includes you.

The producers. They're perfectly within their rights to air it. Every day, preferably. Yes, they toy with conventional 21st century wedding planning. But they should be applauded for doing so. Saluted and praised. Given the mother of all ovations.

Women on their wedding days. The majority have seriously airheaded tendencies. The devil is in the detail. Brides lose sight of the real point of the day. That's if they ever had it. They get hung up over the table decorations. The dress. The champagne. The confetti. The cake. The rings. The car. The bling. They're ridiculously selfish.

You watch them. They say the success of their married life is dependent on that single day alone. That the entire marriage hinges on it. Everything dependant on her exact, pretty often stupid, demands. They must be met. All or nothing. Paradise and total success... or bust. Open your eyes. Smell the coffee.

These women expect every detail in their heads spawned. No fairytale wedding, no happy ending. That's with all women involved. Mums, aunts, sisters, cousins, friends. The list goes on. Each weighs in. More farfetched expectations of men. More demands of the wedding day. And the bride gobbles it all up. Buys in to it. Brain-washes herself. Allows herself to be brain-washed. Allows herself to become a certified 100% airhead - and the doom commences.

WTF is what I say.

Season 5, episode 7. Kara's sister says if groom-to-be Alex 'fails' the wedding: "She's not gonna let him get away with it." Her mum adds: "She'll bring it up every day. Every single day." In all honesty, I wouldn't question them.

Kara frets over designer shoes. "I just want some really expensive shoes," she snorts. "He's got 12 grand, the least he can do is buy me decent shoes." Alex must choose a dress that's above the ankle. People must 'delight' in seeing her shoes. Everything must be pure perfection. Else the entire occasion will be her "worst nightmare". What sad irony.

So darling. Are you from planet naive? Are you a wedding day airhead? Forgive me for getting personal. It's in your best interest. They say weddings are about joining in 'holy matrimony'. So why is the cost of a pair of shoes at all important? This is the real world. "Marriages fail because the expectations are ludicrous," argues Suzanne Moore.

The series unveils the truth. Women have ridiculous expectations and priorities. According to Kara, everything pales in comparison to your dress. "Like, massively! 90%. If I don't feel I look my best, I won't have a good time," she says.

All of this is second-rate. Maybe it's time women realised this. These weddings aren't about love. They're a form of female hysteria. Catapulted at you right about NOW. Weddings have been contaminated. You're probably infected too. They're a matriarchal institution. Plain and simple. They only benefit women.

'Don't Tell the Bride' is an important programme. I'm talking in the long-term cultural sense. It lays it all out. Right in front of us. All is not as it seems. The women who feature on the show. You think you're different? Maybe you're not. Maybe you're just like them. Or you will be on the big day. If you get one.

Let's say you do marry. 10 years have passed. You're 40. Married with a significant other. House in the suburbs. No beautiful flat. No city location. Hot men? Forget it. They'll be out of bounds. The romance has worn off. That's if it ever existed. It's no longer "have a wonderful life together" you hear. It's "well that's marriage for you isn't it?" The kids. They were great for a bit. The novelty wore off soon enough.

Independence? Buried. Cremated. Annihilated. Obliterated. Incinerated. Up in smoke. You're struggling for a moment to yourself. There's no time. For anything. No sex. Not even porn. Maybe he attempts to spruce things up. The odd occasion. Inevitably in the 'marital' bed, aka, 'the marital pit'. Still. You’ve gained a few pounds. Struggle to feel attractive. Even to feel attracted. Confounded by your little one. Stupid o'clock every night. Crying. Running in. You yearn for a moment. One moment. Where you feel like 'you'.

So. Remember back to how you felt first moving into your own place? A place you called your very own. Your sanctuary. No one telling you what to do, how to live. All gone. 

Now ask yourself before the deed is done. Before it's too late. Was the loss of that truly worth the one day I got to act like a pumped-up princess? Where the horse and carriage's only direction was downhill from there? Think carefully. Maybe you'll think again.

So who are you?

The clever one? The one who will sip tea in tranquillity whilst your sister files for divorce? The same fun loving person you were before, minus the pressures and worries. The one who, quite frankly, couldn't care anymore. The one who thanks my guts.

Or the gullible one? Discussing husband difficulties with your sister? How he leaves his socks on the floor. Buys the kids sweets so they like him more. Pees on the toilet seat. Burps and farts indiscriminately. The one whose only ever chance of a fuck will be with a vibrator?

The choice is yours.

Written for Filament Magazine: "For women who like hot men and intelligent thought." filamentmagazine.com

Chaos in the bag department

What started as a hunt for a bag big enough - to accommodate the disastrous amount I have no carry around with me on a daily basis - turned into a mad bag browsing excursion.

Here are a few - and I stress a 'FEW' - of the bags that knocked me off my feet;

Buy here

Mark Jacobs £639

But here

Moschino £170

Buy here

Moschino £484

Buy here

Moschino £165

As it may have become quite clear, I have found myself drawn to Moschino bags. They are TOO cute. I wish I could afford them, but just looking at them will do. Why can the high street not recreate bags like these? I don't care if they're leather or suede. Just make me these bags and sell them cheaply to me please! 

Having said that, I have found myself a solid contender for just £50 on the high street. However, as much as I tell myself it's as good as these purse-draining beauties, the reality is that it simple is not.

Gross.

This disgusting hound of a man seems to fancy the idea of himself as teen-pop sensation Justin Bieber:

This disgusting specimen of humanity goes by the name Terry Richardson. He is a photographer - highly ranked in his field. However, he has been known to sexually harass young models on his highly "professional" photoshoots...

And now this. 

Autumnal Attire

As much as I love summer - the scent of chirpy plants, feeling the sun penetrating my skin and the long nights - this years Autumn fashion makes the temperature drop something to get excited about. 

Here are some of the key colours this season from New York Fashion Week:

Warm, autumnal hues are painting the high street beautifully. Here are a couple of my fashion finds;

Asos dress with lace top - £45. Click here to buy.

So dreamy, so soft, so elegant. In an iconic shade of the season 'orchid hush', on trend lace and of course my favourite fabric of the moment, chiffon; this dress is utterly gorgeous. With 3/4 length sleeves, a defined waist and flowing skirt - it's flattering for pretty much any body shape - and suitable to wear both day and night. Perfect!

Ruffle front dress in 'coral' - Warehouse £65. Buy here.

What I love most about this dress is it's autumnal colour. Summer was all about bright orange (and yes, I fell for it,) but this warmer, toned down, refurbished colour is just right for this season.

PETITE sequin wrap front dress - Asos £150. By here.

So I'm not petite, nor am I skinny enough to pull this dress of - but WOW. The way that the sequins reflect the light at different angles is stunning. In memory of last season's colour blocking of bright fuscias and oranges, this dress teams deep teal with stone - two of this seasons must-haves in the colour pallette - for an autumn friendly, shimmering colour blocking look. 

Mela feather print dress by Yumi - £10 in the sale. Buy here.

Combining an array of autumnal colours, feather print, sheer sleeves and waist detail - this dress almost reminds me of a painting. With it's wishy-washy feel, it really does sum up the mood in the air right now as winter lurks around the corner. Teamed with black patent heels, a fur coat and clutch - this dress would suit a relaxed dinner date. 

OBITUARY : AMY WINEHOUSE

To most, Winehouse will be defined by her drug obsession, erratic etiquette and the fact that her voice was as large as her beehive hairstyle.

Winehouse stumbled into fame in 2003. The British singer/songwriter holds 3 Ivor Novello songwriting and composing awards. Her debut album, Frank, was nominated for Mercury Prize; with her follow up album, Back to Black, being the third best selling album of the 2000s - below James Blunt and Dido.

Winehouse is a 5 time Grammy Award winner – and is the first British citizen, as well as tying the record by a female artist, to have won 5 Grammys in one night.

Amy Jane Winehouse was born into a Jewish family in Southgate, London, and is the daughter of a taxi driver.

At twelve, Winehouse won a scholarship at the Sylvia Young Theatre School. In her entrance examination, she wrote: “I want people to hear my voice and just forget their troubles.”

However, Winehouse was destined to be a rebel from a young age. Aged fourteen, she got a nose piercing - which lead to her exclusion. She later attended the Brit School in Croydon, before attempting conventional school - which wasn’t her forte either, so she dropped out of that too.

Winehouse began singing with the National Youth Jazz Orchestra. Its co-founder Bill Ashton described her as “incredibly aggressive”. He said: “She didn’t listen to a word I was saying, just smoking aggressively, solidly.”

Winehouse worked at 19 Entertainment, a music and entertainment production company run by Simon Fuller – the man behind Pop Idol. After a 9 month relationship with a colleague, she wrote her debut album, Frank.

Frank was released in October 2003 on the Island/Universal label. Her manager Nick Godwin said: “I’m not sure if beautiful is the right word, but [her] voice was like nothing I’d ever heard before.”

The album blended jazz, pop, soul and hip-hop, with lyrics concerning her failed relationship. Stronger Than Me won an Ivor Novello for best contemporary song.

On receiving her first pay cheque, Winehouse moved into a flat in Camden.

Off the rails

2005 saw Winehouse throw herself into an on and off relationship with Blake Fielder Civil - a school drop-out and former video production assistant. She teamed up with producer Mark Ronson and wrote her second album, Back to Black.

Winehouse fell exhaustedly off the rails in 2006. Nick Godwin, her manager, described her as “the antichrist of pop”.

The troubled singer decided on her notorious 60s inspired beehive hairstyle and plastered her bony body with even more tattoos and piercings. To The Mirror, Winehouse admitted to “a little bit of anorexia, a little bit of bulimia”. She said: “I'm not totally okay but I don't think any woman is.”

In an interview with Q Magazine, Winehouse claimed that tattoos are “a way of suffering for things that mean a lot to you”.

On 4th October 2006, Back to Black was released, which reached number 1 on the UK charts and hit platinum. The album featured Rehab - a song which recounts her record label attempting to force her into a treatment facility. Winehouse decided to take care of the problem herself:

“I did [go to rehab], for just fifteen minutes.

“I went in, said 'hello,' and explained that I drink because I am in love and have screwed up the relationship. Then I walked out.”

Winehouse believed that: “Rehab is like Butlins. It’s a holiday camp. It’s an everyday thing for some people, like going to Tesco’s.”

Mark Frith, editor of Time Out, said: “There is no way that anything about the world of recording or being famous is going to modify her.”

Winehouse had huge potential. Stars such as George Michael admitted to being a fan. However, Winehouse had already firmly pressed the self-destruct button.

The New Statesman called her “a filthy mouthed, down-to-earth diva,” and a vast number of publications slapped their pages with photographs of Winehouse looking intoxicated and semi deceased.

Marriage

Winehouse took her unstable relationship with Fielder Civil to the next level in May 2007, and the couple paid $130 in fees to marry in Miami. “I wasn’t put here to sing. I was put here to be a wife and a mum and look after my family,” she argued in an interview with Rolling Stone magazine.

She then splashed out on a tattoo which read “I Love Blake” above her heart; and was filmed showing her husband the same phrase that she had written on her stomach, using a shard of broken glass. “It’s just a chicken scratch,” she said, to both of their amusement.

In August 2007 Winehouse overdosed on a cocktail of drugs, including heroin and cocaine and was hauled into hospital, where she had her stomach pumped. The following morning, Winehouse made the news simply for being alive. “It just happened,” she told the News of The World.

Winehouse and Fielder Civil thought it best to check into rehabilitation centre “Retreat” in Essex. It was only a matter of days before they checked out, to holiday in St Lucia.

In October, she released Valerie that peaked at number 2 on the UK singles chart.

In 2008, video footage of Winehouse smoking crack cocaine flooded the press. The Sun described her as “a dead woman walking”. The tabloid mentioned a “temptation to drag her by her [newly dyed] egg-yellow hair round a ward at Great Ormond Street Hospital and show her the children fighting to stay alive”.

The remainder of the year saw Winehouse appear on Never Mind The Buzzcocks liquored up and asking for more; throwing up in the middle of her set at G-A-Y nightclub - and singing Michael Jackson’s Beat It whilst inebriated on the Charlotte Church Show.

Winehouse was arrested twice that year, once for assault after allegedly head butting a man and once in connection with alleged drug offences.

After being spotted in January 2009 in St Lucia with six-pack clad aspiring actor, Josh Bowman - Fielder Civil filed to divorce Winehouse on the grounds of adultery.

Winehouse entered a drug replacement programme, but was still drinking heavily. “For the last six months there's been a remarkable recovery,” her father said.

The divorce was granted in August 2009.

The singer told Glamour magazine in November 2010, that she “literally woke up one day and was like, ‘I don’t want to do this anymore’”.

Written in the style of www.bbc.co.uk, on 07/02/2011.

Typographic Maps

Ursula Hitz (AKA Seagull's Hut,) a graphic designer, illustrator and typographer, has created a collection of 'typographic maps' - and they happen to have had me mesmerized for the majority of the day. 

Hitz uses typography to create maps of iconic cities, including London, Paris and New York. Here are a few gorgeous examples of her work:

Central London: 

London:

New York City:

Limited edition prints are available here - so get your hands on them quick, or I will!

PS: It's a hard knock life (quite clearly from my last two posts)! Luckily for us all, I'm back to my happy self again :)

D is for desperate

Never before in my life have I experienced such levels of desperation before. Now, having lived in Southampton, a small city (that's more like a town, really) which has been taken over by a large community of students, it has got to the point now where, quite frankly, I am shocked. 

On my initial arrival, yes, I was pretty disgusted by the fact that a sign of a good night out for most people around here is getting so drunk they can't see, meeting Mr Perfect (he wants it too, hooray) going back to their place, being sick, having sex, and being sick again. 

Dancing in a club with your friends is one thing, seeing people in clubs sticking their tongues down eachother's throats - yep, I can deal with that. 

But what I cannot deal with is this: a young woman dancing with a arrogant cockerel-resembling young man, he pushes her, she almost falls over, he laughs with his mates and gives her dirty looks, she gets up, brushes herself off, rearranges her hair, and then re-approaches the cockerel, dancing up on him once again whilst him and his self righteous mates laugh.

After all that women have fought for in the past, this is a let down to the female sex! I am aware that an increasing amount of women are slowly mutating into men, but letting a guy disrespect you like that - allowing him to behave this way (and probably continue doing so) - makes me feel sick to the stomach!


We've all watched The Jeremy Kyle Show, Maury or Jerry Springer. We all know that hilariously ridiculous situations do happen all the time - and it's just crazy! What's more to say but simply that "I pity you" and "please, please, at least use a condom"?

Everything that is wrong with society

www.sxc.hu

When idiocy strikes, there's nothing stronger than Cilit Bang's new logic addition. These germs tend to be created by one sole master germ, or in other words 'the shit stirrer'. The shit stirrer's aim is to infect others with their own false views and constantly inject other - once friendly - germs to the same state of idiocy as that of their own.  

With the joining forces of the shit stirrer with fellow germs in tow, those fellow germs mutate into newly established shit stirrers, feeding off the shit stirrings of the main shit stirrer - and once elite shit stirrer status is accomplished, they have the ability to feast among fellow shit stirrers and create even more SHIT STIRRERS. Once infected, shit stirrers rarely revert back to their once 'friendly germ' state - and need severe chemicals to be eradicated.

Singles Reviews

www.sxc.hu

Cheryl Cole Promise This (Polydor). Cheryl Cole may have just about passed as a ‘singer’ with her last two singles ‘parachute’ and ‘fight for this love’, but a good choice of song won’t save her this time. The new single resembles hard house and arouses a vision of dancing French chipmunks on speed; not the ‘Oopsy Daisey’ singing Chipmunk that we’ve all grown to love, but the little critters that you find up a tree.

Enrique Iglesias `Heartbeat feat. Nicole Scherzinger (Polydor). While expectations are low for the over emotional, whiney Spaniard that is Enrique Iglesias – nothing has been done to change this perception of him quite yet. Likewise, Nicole Scherzinger fails to broaden her imagination. With her token breathless, orgasmic singing that could have been taken from an R-rated movie – she’s not a hit herself. 

Trick of the mind

Photograph: www.sxc.hu

This may seem a silly question to some but, have you ever had a circumstance where you just think 'that's better off forgotten'? If you have, I can assure you that you ARE NOT alone. 

The mind is a wonderful place. It controls our moods number one; and without happiness - well, why live to be quite honest? 

It's also a fantastic place where I have recently discovered it's possible to actually alter what's kept in there and what goes out - similarly to an intelligent waste management system that I wish somebody could invent (I'm sick of all this 5000 recycling bin nonsense, but anyway). 

The mind is such a beautiful little (or big, maybe?!) thing, when something bad happens. I can whip the memories out of my brain in a shot. But then again, when something needs to be done, such as work or... more work, my mind does not work in my favour. 

Instead, it decides that it shall remove all thoughts of the hilarious abundance of work I've got right in front of my face. Now, of course I would rather been carrying out daily activities on my own accord - but when 'mind' decides it's got better things to think about (like chocolate) then off it goes.

Message to mind:

Please, please, make me do my work and make that work put a smile on my face, - whilst I'm doing it that is, not just afterwards... 

Now that, my friends, is something that I have yet to train my mind.

In fashion we trust

In a world full of fashionistas - where fashion following is part of some of our every day lives - we have to question, why? Why do we follow fashion?

www.sxc.hu

After all that fashion has done to us - it's dressed us in some really ridiculous things in the past, it's told us that that orange was a good colour, that khaki combat trousers were cool. Seriously.

I for one spend many of my days scouring the Internet for the latest figure hugging dress, the push up bra, the bag thats suit the colour of my hair clip perfectly. We spend, we wear out, we spend again - all for one purpose - it makes us feel good! 

Fashion is a therapy. In the darkest of days the best thing a girl can possibly do is nip out to the nearest shop and buy THAT item. Even if it's just a pair of black flats (almost identical to ones we picked up last week) that item is just essential. It's a must have it situation.

Fashion is a luxury. Whether we like it or not, we will always buy into it. Keeping that pretty dress - that perfects our wardrobes but not our figure - for life, is our way of life. 

You could say it's a waste to our poor purses, the bank balances that we refuse to look at (because it's just too depressing) but it can brighten our days.

A personal recommendation from moi:

One of the best times for indulging in fashion is when you get ill. Those sick days no longer seem so drab, when you realise that you're saving money from not going out. You just know that as soon as you're better again, you'll have that extra wad of cash to splash! 

Jealousy in relationships

Jealousy is a big thing in relationships - but why? If you love someone - does that not mean that you trust them? Or maybe 'love' is just a word to describe a form of obsession for another person.

 

So what is jelousy? Well, according to dictionary.com, jealousy is;

1.  

jealous resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against another's success or advantage inteself.
 

2. 

mental uneasiness from suspicion or fear of rivalry, unfaithfulness, etc., as in love or aims.
 

3. 

vigilance in maintaining or guarding something.
 

4. 

a jelous feeling, disposition, state, or mood. 

 

This weekend I visited some friends for a chilled day in Hyde Park. I receive a phone call. It's Liz. She needs to meet up "like NOW," as something really bad has happened - and by the tone in her voice, it wasn't just a tiff.

Now, it's important to note this is Liz; a best friend from school who has pretty much seen me go from an innocent little girl, to a crazy teenage rebel and to who I am now. She probably knows more about me than I do, and I certainly feel the same about her the other way round.

One thing I've learnt from Liz throughout the years is that when she falls, she doesn't just graze her elbows. She breaks all of the bones in her body.

I have no doubt that Liz and her boyfriend, Cian, are in love. If you ever met them, you would soon find out. It's hard to miss the constant smooching, the screeching of 'cuuuuddllleeeeess' and the never ending loving gazes.

So the fact that they had a fight is not an every day occurrence, unlike some couples.

It turns out it's all to do with jealousy. That one element in many relationships that seems to arise for absolutely no reason - other than through pure love for someone.

But why is it that jealousy is one of the biggest destroyers of love? Why is it that in the most loving of relationships the trust issues are always there. Also, why do people who are so in love with another person cheat on them?

Some say that if you cheat you don't love someone. In reality, do people cheat because they don't love the person, or because they're insecure themselves? And cheating reiterates in their minds that they are wanted...

After all, being wanted is a big thing for some people. I say some people, but really - it goes for us all. If you disagree, then you're a liar. Obviously some more than others, however.

We all want to fit in somewhere. We are all in some ways jealous - we wouldn't pass off that perfect celeb figure if we were offered it now, would we?

But does jealousy set people up for disaster? If you're a particularly jealous person, that means you're insecure. If you're insecure - does this mean that you'll never be properly in love?

At my Dad's 50th birthday party, I spoke to a very drunk Mr Bailey, a childhood friend of his. Drunk ramblings of having to love yourself before being able to love another person came up in conversation. It went something like this: "You have to have ME LOVE before you can have I LOVE," repeated probably about a gazillion times.

At the time, all I could do was sit, smile, nod and pity his 'stupid' words (or so I thought at the time). But when reality hits - maybe he was right? 

Let me know your thoughts :)